No longer taking yes for know?

Been gone for a while…traveling, studying, visiting. I’m back and ready to share my thoughts.

First thing that came to mind after reading, all at once, your responses to my blog was weight/wait/peeing in the snow! Crazy, huh?

While reading your encouraging comments I was struck by the numerous remarks about my appearance. Focusing on my physical appearance has provided great insights for me and the opportunity for transformation of many life lessons. How I appear changes frequently.

Where did it begin that we all bought into concern about our weight and how did consensus reality develop about how we ought to appear? What is weight anyway? Is it the palpable manifestation and revelation for others to witness, letting them know we carry the weight of our beliefs, our troubles? Is it weighting/waiting to fully live our lives or holding back, thinking we are protecting ourselves from getting hurt? Waiting for another day, a different time, for what?

Recently I’ve been relating to my appearance as my close confidant and informer. Talking about this outloud, broadcasting it, takes courage!

Courage…..Like that Friday night when I was 13 is what comes to mind. I was walking home all by myself from Greenspring Shopping Center, the weekend parking lot hangout…had to be 5 miles from home if it was 1. The ground was covered in swan white snow. It had fallen 3 days earlier and the air was so frigid that after 2 full days of everyone sledding, the snow was packed like a 19th century luge track. It was dark, I was alone, it was very late and thank goodness by the time this happened I was close to home! I had to pee….badly. And uh oh, someone started following me. Oh I had to pee so badly. I knew I would never be able to run fast enough if my mind was focused on waiting/holding it in. So I made my choice. Wasn’t a tough choice…hold it and get caught or pee and run like a bat out of hell. I stretched my legs wide with each stride and right through the center of my bluejeans was the release of all that pent up holding/waiting. The night was so quiet that the force with which that hot pee shot through my jeans was like the first sounds of a shofar being blown on the High Holy Days. Captured in my imagination is the memory of the steam rising up to greet me, the heat meeting the cold. Protection. I was ignited with determination to get home without that guy getting me…no waiting, not for me.

I decided after reading your comments and the occurrence of this memory to have a little sit down with weighting/waiting.

It said, Jacke, your belly, your place of listening, it’s the place where you carry others’ stories….you put on the weight to provide a pathway for healing for those others. Jacke, no one told you you don’t have to provide the pathway through your body. And Jacke, you have beliefs programmed into your subconscious mind, unbeknownst to you, so that no matter how many sit-ups you do, no matter how many weights you lift or laps you swim….well they will not do anything to eradicate the weight that you carry. The weight is not the weight. It is not even the wait.

It said, Jacke, come ‘ere, come closer; listen to what your subconscious mind wants to reveal to you in the wee chambers of its software: You blame yourself and others for your difficulties. And you want things to stay the way they are. You believe that you are unworthy of the best that love and life have to offer and you hold on for dear life to all that you no longer need. But wait a minute, what about that Friday night? OK, okay. You’re talking about bonding and transformation and self-worth and letting go, aren’t you?

Ahhh, my belly, my place of listening, the place where I carry others’ stories….I put on the weight to provide a pathway for healing.

So what you’re saying is these beliefs are undermining me, all the while I think I need to do more sit-ups or eat fewer carbs? Yea, now you’re getting it. You go girl! So Jacke, listen. Reprogram your subconscious mind and it will dance for you and twirl and leap; it will even tap dance for you.

Undermining. Get this…mining under. Mining under the weight/wait for the riches, the treasures. There are treasures in my belly! Treasures!! Things are not as they appear.

So this writing, here, is my playing field, in the chest to find the treasures.

This is interesting to me. During my first Matrix Energetics (WHOA!) treatment with Dr. Richard Bartlett in Seattle I told him I always had a fat belly….immediately he said no, I didn’t. He time traveled…. I was 16 when my belly began weighting/waiting. It began when Eczema (inflammation of the skin, red and itchy) appeared on my legs. Eczema came to make me aware that I was inflamed…hmmm…must have been mad as hell about something…hmmm…wonder what it was? The treatment provided to make Eczema go away was cortisone shots…hmmm….increased cortisol = fat belly…the deep layers of fat in the belly that lead to all those horrific dis-ease states…..cancer (c the answer; canker=defined as “evil”; an evil or corrupting influence that spreads and is difficult to wipe out. William Shakespeare in Venus and Adonis (1593) wrote “This canker that eats up Love’s tender spring”)….diabetes (difficulty taking in the sweetness in life)…heart disease (broken hearted)………the diseases of my parents and grandmothers.

Hmmm…..Eczema came to get my attention, wake me up, like a shofar being blown on the High Holy Days….but the only response to it was to shut it up and make it go away! Hmmm…..He returned again, Mr. Eczema, when I became pregnant with my daughter. This time the midwife said oh yea use zinc oxide, it will take it right away.

No one said, Jacke….for what purpose has Mr. Eczema come a callin’? For what purpose is he trying to get your attention? Are you listening Jacke?

Saying yes doesn’t mean I know. I’m listening……I’m waiting……

Made a journey tonight to the Upper World to meet Mr. Eczema and listen to what he wants to tell me. I found him in the Land of Diseases. Here is what he said: Jacke, your grandmother who lived with you…well, you were mad as hell at your parents for moving into a new house far away from your grandmother’s friends and the public bus that enabled her to get wherever she wanted to go. She was angry, frustrated and upset that she would be trapped in that new house and too dependent on others to get her out of there. She had diabetes. You took into your body the story of her troubles…as if doing that would somehow ease the experience for your grandmother. You took it into your skin, inflaming it so it would be noticeable to others that you were enraged…it wasn’t able to come out of your mouth because you knew you would get in trouble if you screamed it out. You took it into your legs making freedom and forward movement painful and unsightly. You took it into your belly barring the succulent sweetness and joy in life from coming inside. Jacke, it wasn’t helpful to her…you taking her troubles into your body. Jacke….it’s time to release her troubles. WHOA!!

This question appeared: Do I want my life lived in an open, moving and expressive growth mode…or in a closed and waiting protection mode?

I went to my belly for advice….She said take action for perfect health. She said joyfully release the past and expect the best now and in the future.

I’m taking yes for know.